The moment of knowing

I have heard the blogging is an excellent way to alleviate stress and kind of get your thoughts out. I chose the title "the unwanted child" because of a resent discovery I have made, I am just that, an unwanted child. I come from a sort of mixed family, my dad had 2 daughters and my mom had a son, all the three children were from previous marriage. My parents met and had 7 daughters which brings the grand total to 10 children. I fall 5th in line, not the oldest or the middle, kind of both. I knew I was different at a young age. I remember my mom was always yelling at me, telling me to be more like my older sister. I just couldn't figure out why my parents didn't like me. Im sure most of you are wondering if I am going to tell you a secret about my self, but the truth is, is I am a pretty normal person. I just wasn't my older sister. My older sister didn't talk back or demand the attention that I so longed for as most small children do. I was a very independent person and had my opinions and liked to share them. I very much want the approval of my dad, who spent most of his time on his computer or talking to my older sister. I should mention that the old sister I write about is only 2years older then my self. Let's jump ahead 20 years to my recent discovery. I am in my home town attending my younger sisters wedding. I drove here by my self with my 4 young kids in tow to be here for her big day. Trip is going great, until 2 days ago when my father and I get into a fight over something he took from me. I being independent adult decide that my self worth was at stake, and if I ignore want happened I would never forgive myself, so I confront him. Many years of being ignored and cast off to the side came out in the 5 minutes that ensued. My emotions were raw, deep and heart felt, I simply couldn't even stand to be in the same room for more then a few moments. What my dad had done to me was minor in the grand scheme of my life. I wanted to understand why I was so worthless to someone that was suppose to mean so much to me. After making up my mind to head home I decided to try to talk to him so I didn't leave on a bad note. My honest intention was to talk about what happened and apologize for my lack of emotional control. What met me on the other side of my Parents bedroom door is something I will never forget or understand. My dads reception was cool, possibly even cold. I informed him that I was leaving and that I wanted to talk about the other night. His answer was that of an angry employer getting ready to fire the no-good employee. He told me that I was unwelcome in his house and that he didn't like me or my children. Some would say that he is well within his right, but our relationship is not angry or strained, we just never had a father daughter connection. I decided when I was an older teenager-young adult that if he didn't like me then I would stay out of his way. But, to actually hear the words come out of his mouth was the most devistating words a young woman could ever hear from her father. Later I asked my mom why he felt that way, and she said that it was because I should not have been born, they decided after they got pregnant with me that they would go ahead and just grow their family. Now I get to sort through the pieces of my childhood and the deep hole in my heart. This is the start of my journey. I don't know where i am going or where it's going to take me.