7 days later

Sorry, i haven't posted in a while. The kiddos and I are adjusting back to our normal boring lives. Everyone was so glad to see daddy.
  I guess my experience or emotions rather have been much like the greaving process. Some days i feel very sad about my family and other times i am angry, and some days i just push them all out of my head and focus on my own family. Today is a sad day for me. Its the day after Easter ( no calls from family) and i've been super sick and spent most of my easter in bed with a high fever. It is also very rainy outside, which tends to dampen the mood, and the kids have been cooped up all day, so they are full of energy. I think about the every day challenge of the stay at mom with minimal support and young hyper children, and cant help but wonder how we manage to keep it together. Its a job that never seems to stop for us, the laundry is never completely washed, the kitchen only stays clean long enough to get the next meal started, and the multitude of other house chores are a never ending mountain. So, the reason for my sadness today is negativity that my parents inflict on my parenting. I recently read an article about all the advice people give new parents, and out of all our critic our own parents are the worst. The truth is, is that i learned my parenting from my parents, so why is it such a big deal? Its a big deal because, 4 kids isn't enough in their minds, my kids aren't in enough lessons, or everyminute of every day isn't taken up by church activities. My mom once told me that " Girls must be kept busy, boy must be overwhelmed!". Truth be told, my lone girl is harder to handle then all three of my boys. My husband and I haven't decided if we want anymore children, I am constantly reminding my mom that all my kids are under the age of seven and my husband works long hours. Not everyone is cut out to have 19 children, some people arent cut out to have any children at all. I am an adult, and as an adult i will make my life choices, for my self and right now for my kids. Mom, can you please just support me and my choices? Have i ever messed up badly? My kids are smart and bright, they are our next generation, the future of this country. Are they spoiled, yes! Are they discipliend, maybe not enough, but I would rather focus on their good behavior rather then their bad. Do they make messes, darn right they do, but how will they ever learn about the world if they sit in a corner all day, or stare at a TV? Its unfortunate that the maker forgot to include the manual when he sent me my kids, guess i'll have to figure it out as i go.....
   Still so many thoughts and emotions to sort.

The moment of knowing

I have heard the blogging is an excellent way to alleviate stress and kind of get your thoughts out. I chose the title "the unwanted child" because of a resent discovery I have made, I am just that, an unwanted child. I come from a sort of mixed family, my dad had 2 daughters and my mom had a son, all the three children were from previous marriage. My parents met and had 7 daughters which brings the grand total to 10 children. I fall 5th in line, not the oldest or the middle, kind of both. I knew I was different at a young age. I remember my mom was always yelling at me, telling me to be more like my older sister. I just couldn't figure out why my parents didn't like me. Im sure most of you are wondering if I am going to tell you a secret about my self, but the truth is, is I am a pretty normal person. I just wasn't my older sister. My older sister didn't talk back or demand the attention that I so longed for as most small children do. I was a very independent person and had my opinions and liked to share them. I very much want the approval of my dad, who spent most of his time on his computer or talking to my older sister. I should mention that the old sister I write about is only 2years older then my self. Let's jump ahead 20 years to my recent discovery. I am in my home town attending my younger sisters wedding. I drove here by my self with my 4 young kids in tow to be here for her big day. Trip is going great, until 2 days ago when my father and I get into a fight over something he took from me. I being independent adult decide that my self worth was at stake, and if I ignore want happened I would never forgive myself, so I confront him. Many years of being ignored and cast off to the side came out in the 5 minutes that ensued. My emotions were raw, deep and heart felt, I simply couldn't even stand to be in the same room for more then a few moments. What my dad had done to me was minor in the grand scheme of my life. I wanted to understand why I was so worthless to someone that was suppose to mean so much to me. After making up my mind to head home I decided to try to talk to him so I didn't leave on a bad note. My honest intention was to talk about what happened and apologize for my lack of emotional control. What met me on the other side of my Parents bedroom door is something I will never forget or understand. My dads reception was cool, possibly even cold. I informed him that I was leaving and that I wanted to talk about the other night. His answer was that of an angry employer getting ready to fire the no-good employee. He told me that I was unwelcome in his house and that he didn't like me or my children. Some would say that he is well within his right, but our relationship is not angry or strained, we just never had a father daughter connection. I decided when I was an older teenager-young adult that if he didn't like me then I would stay out of his way. But, to actually hear the words come out of his mouth was the most devistating words a young woman could ever hear from her father. Later I asked my mom why he felt that way, and she said that it was because I should not have been born, they decided after they got pregnant with me that they would go ahead and just grow their family. Now I get to sort through the pieces of my childhood and the deep hole in my heart. This is the start of my journey. I don't know where i am going or where it's going to take me.